DeviantArt
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
I am under seige. And as usual when my own reality is threatened, I squeeze myself into the smallest space possible. I am writing this from my wardrobe, probebly a few days before it’ll get to my blog. there’s a peice of paper bluetacked to the wall here, with a poem on it, ‘love after love’ it must have been years ago i put it here, but i know now why i had to keep it, so i could find it today. and it’s such a comfort to me. i feel as if everything inside of me is changing, and i don’t know who i’ll be when it’s over, like a belated or second puberty. sat in the bath with my knees pulled into my chest, thinking how funny my feet look under the water, i do my best not to look at my body, because it’s not mine, and i can’t understand how it got here. i’m down the rabbit hole now. i’m picking up speed. darkness light darkness. jars.
i have been assimilated. i’ve gained ‘employed’ down at deviantdolls, a deviantart club dedicated to women, by women, for women. from now on everything you see in the photography gallery will have come through moi. it’s rather fun. there’ve been a few pieces is was tempted to ignore, the fuzzy web-cam so called ‘glamour portraits’ but i guess that’s not my place. i don’t think i’ve screwed up yet and i’m pretty damn pleased to be a part of something so huge. thankyou T.
i had my scan, at last, it was as horrid as i thought and more. my two biggest fears are doctors and my reproductive organs, so you can imagine that internal scans and exams of my lady bits are my worst nightmare. unfortunately i’m having a lot of them lately. they also did an ultrasound, i saw my own ovaries, wahay (-_-) what they did find was that i don’t have much of the lining of my womb left, which i expected, i have been bleeding since fucking february after all. as per usual, nobody said or did anything to help, and i left the hospital even more pissed off than when i went in, if possible.
i would like a hysterectomy right about now please. hell, i’ll take the entire ‘gender reassignment’ package, i’m tired of this.
